Artist: Pete Doherty

This weekend's Heaven and Earth show (or "Shh! Don't call it church-time") on BBC One was a strange, rock-heavy mix: Cliff Richard was on it, talking about how his faith had influenced his music - pretty much making it worse, in effect. "I changed the words of Devil Woman so it was a warning ," he told a wide-eyed Gloria Hunniford, "and I got a letter from a woman in Australia who said that it had saved her." Richard suggested this might be a miracle - something to file away for after his death, when we can start the [...]

Upset and alarm - claims The Sun - at the Priory the other night when Pete Doherty and Kate Moss were " practically having full-blown sex " in the clinicesque place's garden. Touching each other, hands up clothes, everything. This in front of a crowd having some sort of session. Not that sort of session. But how can we be sure it was Kate and Pete? The paper's source has the evidence: "People realised it was Moss and Doherty â€" her skinny blue jeans were the giveaway." Right, [...]

As Aaron suggested in the comments , and now confirmed (albeit tucked away in the editor's blog ): The Sunday Mirror's story that Pete Doherty was going to be one of this year's guest-editors on Today is, indeed, bobbins. music bbc radio 4 pete doherty today

We've never been entirely sure of the value of "celebrity-edited" editions of Today; we know the idea is to try and fatten up the programme when even battling Labour ministers are sleeping off the Christmas meals, but it still feels like you're trapped with someone given the chance to bore you on their favourite subjects while you're trying to eat your breakfast. This December, apparently Pet Doherty is being lined up as a guest editor . God alone knows what he'll have lined up - pulling blood from Sarah Montague and splashing it on the 8.10 interviewee, [...]

We lose track of how many Jaguars Pete Doherty's supposed to have - we imagine he does as well - so all we can say for sure is he now has one fewer after one is taken in lieu of unpaid fines. The fines are from driving in a bus lane - surely Pete should know when you have a vital city artery like a bus lane, you don't want it cluttered up by filling it with all sorts of junk? Unfortunately, the fines total over a thousand pounds, and the book value of [...]

This is Laura McEvoy. You'll have seen her before. Last time, though, she was apparently unconscious, and had Pete Doherty crouched over her with a needle. She wasn't impressed - although Pete has said sorry. He's good at the "I'm sorry": “Getting involved with him was so dangerous. “He never told me he was going to put the syringe in my arm. I’d never have agreed. When I realised I was horrified. “He apologised and said he thought I knew what he was going to do. I asked [...]

There have been so many articles claiming to know where Pete Doherty is going to marry (or has already married) Kate Moss that the only places not so far nominated as likely venues are the Bolton Asda staff canteen and the top of Mount Fuji. The Daily Mail claims that Doherty has a hankering to hold the reception in Loftus Road, home of his beloved Queens Park Rangers, but the club aren't keen. What with him having form for shooting up in the VIP toilets and everything. If only there was a source to [...]

Not enough to stop them getting confused, at least at the new London freesheet The London Paper: in an "amusing" feature the really laid in to Diddy : "Just what does he have to do to get banged up? He's only been done for possessing crack cocaine, heroin and cannabis." Today, though, they're slightly sorry: "P Diddy is entirely unconnected with the allegations in the article which were intended to relate to an entirely different person and his name and picture were used entirely in error," the [...]

Sentencing in the Pete Doherty drugs case has been deferred until December, with Judge Jane Ivor telling Mr. D that she's very impressed with his progress - he's turned in his first clean bloodtest since records began; Ivor also told Doherty she likes his new song. (Everyone, it seems, fancies themselves as a rock critic.) "It's turning out to be a long haul. I'm impressed with the negative results for heroin and cocaine. It's stage I never thought you'd reach, (and) the option of re-sentencing you would be counter productive. I'm deferring sentencing for three months [...]

Pete Doherty is in the supposedly rigorous Priory Clinic, undergoing rehab. He must be in some sort of torment, right? Apparently not, according to Adam Ficek : "Pete sees rehab as a holiday camp. He gets to make new friends and can talk to his girlfriend Kate Moss when he wants. It's a bit of a pain, but fans don't need to worry about him, he'll be fine. It's a doddle for him." I'm sure that's put all of our minds at rest, then. [...]

Karl Lagerfeld, the trouser-making man, has issued a critique of Pete Doherty. Or, at least, made some words in that general direction : "Gone. His music, the look, is over now. There's nothing to think about it. It is too late." Now, we know that Pete has his problems, but that's not even a coherent collection of random words. Still, at least he used words. Talking about Jessica Simpson, he came up with noises: "Ecch, I'm not that impressed." He had [...]

So, it's all over now, apart from the panicky looks on the faces of the people responsible for keeping the trains clean. Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam rolled down the doors on Reading, with something even approaching jokes in the set. Even NME was shocked: "There's a lot of flags from a lot of different countries," Vedder observed of the crowd, before playing 'Dissident'. "Being from American I guess we should say 'we come in peace!'." Stephen Colbert is said to be "unfazed" by the newcomer to the [...]

Pete Doherty? He's so street, it's a wonder he's not been paved over. He's going to lead us into rebellion of all sorts: “I’ve got a fierce passion for politics but I can’t stand the smarmy, hypocritical upper-middle-class dictator nation that prevails and has always prevailed in this country. “I’m up for petrol bombers, mate, and fighting in the streets.” Pete made these comments from luxury private hospital The Priory. Pete's family are British Army through and through. At the age of 16, the British Council paid [...]

It could just be that we tend to start from the assumption that anything in The Sun is being written with at least an air of misunderstanding - for example, this morning they're having to grovel out an apology to Koser Zaman , a woman whose picture they ran claiming that she was Cossor Ali and under arrest as a suspected terrorist - but the proud report in Bizarre this morning is just so unlikely we wonder if it's some sort of joke. Victoria Newton has (apparently) been told by "an insider" that Pete Doherty, [...]

In a hospital housing Justin Hawkins, Meg Matthews and Tom Chaplin, why on earth would Pete Doherty have chosen to punch one of the nurses ? Pete - according to reports coming from the Priory, smuggled out of the hospital in a hat - went a bit bonkers when he was asked if perhaps he shouldn't get a little more involved in the group therapy sessions. Unsurprisingly, he wasn't keen: A friend told [The Daily Mirror]: "Pete flipped out on Sunday night because he doesn't want to be there and wants to get [...]

Oh, apparently the News of the World has managed to do it, claiming this morning that Nikki from Big Brother reckons Pete Doherty paid her £500 for sex shortly before the start of BB7 but was "too wasted" to make the most of his investment. Good lord - Pete Doherty, indie pop's most self-absorbed man, and Nikki, reality TV's most self-absorbed woman. In the same room. And naked. It gives you colliewobbles just thinking about it, doesn't it? The blonde BB screamer said: "I ended up snogging Pete but we [...]

Pete Doherty has swerved being sent into custody as his lawyer argued that an upcoming Babyshambles gig was "curcial to his recovery" - we'd love to see a medical justification for that, perhaps supported by piecharts demonstrating that underground rock gigs are the best place to go to avoid cocaine dealers. Instead, he's been remanded to the Priory. Which, by our calculations, means that sat over the Probiotic Rice Krispies this morning choosing if they'll do the seaweed wrap or the weights this morning will be a strange little trio of Doherty, Meg Matthews and Justin Hawkins [...]

Pete Doherty has pleaded guilty to all seven charges of possession; these are from the arrests earlier in the year and not, as we'd mistakenly thought yesterday, a result of new arrests. They're still deciding what to do with him. music pete doherty babyshambles

At the start of the week, it was Pete Doherty and Kate Moss in love again. Now, at the end: Pete Doherty has been charged with seven drug offences . Second time as farce; fourteenth time as tedium... music pete doherty

Having reached the point where there's only really him left to let down, Pete Doherty is going to go solo : "There'll be a solo acoustic album released this year. It differs from Babyshambles because it will be just me." 'Just what Pete wants to do' doesn't sound too different from Babyshambles, when you think about it. Oh, and he cheerfully admits he's doing the odd spot of skag: "I went to (Portugal) to detox and got clean ready for the implant. Things just kept [...]