You learn things while you travel. You learn, for example, that you can't get an oil change in Denver on a Sunday, presumably because Colorado's proximity to Utah forces it to act religious and respect the Sabbath, even though people in Denver like John Elway more than God. And who could blame them? He'll cut you a deal on a used Acura. God never does. You learn that it's illegal for any road in Kansas to curve or turn or have anything [...]
After a day bookended by a 6:30 wake-up call from a robed, bearded host and a 1:30 double-down on an 11 against a 6 at Whiskey Pete's in Primm Nevada, today is shaping up to be a bit of a letdown. All we've got going this Saturday is a long roll through a beerless Utah. We're ten miles from Sulphurdale right now, which, really: Sulphurdale? Why allude to the fact your town smells vaguely worse than fecal matter? Maybe it's like that legend about [...]
Some people say you can get too much of a good thing. They're the sort of people who say "put the frosting down" or"not now, I'm tired" or "haven't you seen Demolition Man enough times?" And sometimes, those people and I see eye to eye. Yeah, maybe the cake looks alright how it is, I'm a little sleepy myself, I did just watch it yesterday. But if these selfsame people were to say "do you really think you can eat and enjoy 36 [...]
For some reason unbeknowst to even myself, I decided to go into the office for a half day. A smarter move would've been to sleep in, pack, finish the laundry, buy strings: all the trappings & errands of pre-tour life. But I came to work. Just till noon though, because we're supposed to be soundchecking at 3 this afternoon and 3's usually the time when I'm knee-deep in some Wikipedia article or, more often, hiding under my desk hoping my boss doesn't notice. I know that sounds sad, but don't worry: I keep plenty of Cheezits down there. [...]
You know what? I'm sick of not winning the lottery. The injustice has gone on far too long. So I decided, about five minutes ago, that I'm going down to the corner store and buying a lotto ticket and, by tomorrow: say hello to millionairemonster. See, my thought is this: most people just buy a lotto ticket on a whim or out of the same obligatory gambling instinct that makes people go to the dog track.* Me? I only buy one when it's a sure thing. And this, ladies and gentleman, is a sure thing. In fact, [...]
Just when I've got my life at home back to some level of normalcy, it dawns on me: we're leaving again. To be specific, we're leaving on Thursday for our last trek of the year, one which, essentially, is a bee line to New York, a five day sojourn in the most expensive city in America (read: lots of hotdog breakfasts), then an abrupt U-turn, a show in Philly, and a four day drive through the middle of the country back home. We'll be driving right around the election too, which is good because it means low gas prices. That's [...]
Yesterday started out like any other Thursday. A bus ride, a croissant, a morning cup of coffee with Jon Carroll: all was normal, all was well. In fact, even work seemed to cruise by without unneeded worry or hullabaloo. Then, while waiting for Zach on the sidewalk so we could take the subway to practice, I get a tap on the shoulder. It's someone I haven't seen in oh, six years, and someone who, it not-so-slowly dawned on me, had a tattoo on his head. To be specific, his forehead. Right above his eye. Now, here's the thing: [...]
I wear a headset at work. This means, besides the fact that I look like a moron, that I'm on the phone all day, dealing with people who probably aren't all that excited to hear from me. The silver lining is that I'm not taking incoming calls, which generally come from people who've been robbed, wronged, or enjoy screaming more than DMX does. Which, by the way, is a lot. You ever heard "It's Dark and Hot as Hell"? So yes: I call people all day long. Often, my end of the conversation goes something like this: [...]
"Main Menu. Please select a function." "Withdrawal." "How much would you like to withdraw?" "$20" "Insufficient Funds. Would you like to do anything else?" "Return Card." "Thank you." "I hate your face." I learned yesterday that budgetting is not my strong suit. I should have been bringing Kraft singles and Wonderbread to work. I should have enjoyed free office coffee with that weird oil slick effect that Coffeemate gives any liquid. I shouldn't have gone to those shows or bought those drinks or that [...]
I've always wondered about IT departments. I mean, in general, I know what they do: They send technical emails nobody reads, they fix your computer when Windows has its daily mutiny, and they let you install programs you pretend are for work but are really used to play Zelda on the internet. They are widely mocked for high levels of dweebdom and, in fact, at my old job, our IT manager had a life-sized cardboard doppelganger of Commander Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Talk about living up to expectations. But what I've wondered about [...]
Everybody loves griping about Corporate America. Hell, I do.* Wells Fargo has a small dustbuster attached to my checking account, my Chuck Taylors, after Nike bought them out, fell apart and crumbled like the Yankees this weekend, and Cingular hands me usurious bills without the ability to properly explain them ("Listen: I promise I didn't sign up for a daily Teen Flirt Horoscope Text Message. Now, the Nelly ringtones, well, that's a whole other thing.) Companies have more power than I do. Their votes count more than mine do. They have a cooler logo than I have. Then list goes [...]
After a long, loud evening, where we had our best practice in months* followed by a fantastic show put on courtesy of the Ex-Boyfriends & Boundstems wherein I rode an unfortunate booze parabola (beer, sangria, whiskey, sangria, beer), the last thing I wanted in the morning are festive people. Festive people bother me when I feel like this. What with all that smiling and shaking your shoulders and reminding you that you "don't look so good" this morning. Yes. Yes, I'm aware of that. It'd be best if you just shut your trap. But then, walking past the [...]
Rain? Rain ? But it's October, dadgummit. October's always the unseasonably pleasant month on our usually foggy penninsula. I'm not going to take this sitting down. I've only got a few weeks back and I'm not spending them bemoaning the fact that all my shoes have holes in them. Thankfully though, the weekend promises to be beautiful. After all, we've got the Bluegrass Festival this weekend and Mother Nature plays a mean lap steel. Now then: enough about the weather. That's what people talk about when they have nothing to talk about. It's the classic awkward first [...]
There are oh so many reasons to be angry with television. What should be a bastion of free or almost free entertainment and information offers infotainment at best and, in the case of Pokemon, has been known to cause actual physical seizures at worst. Damn you TV. Damn you Katie Couric. Damn you GAP commercials. (When the zombie apocalypse comes, I hope to see Audrie Hepburn and Jack Keroauc feasting on the brains of GAP executives. And, since whoever owns GAP owns Old Navy, they'll kill two birds with one stone. Or a lot of old white dudes with rotten [...]
Walter Hellman: I salute you. I salute your cool name, first and foremost, and want you to know that I'm not being an obsequious bootlick just because you own part of Slim's. I wouldn't do that. I might not have much class but dammit, I've got pride. I salute you for the same reason hundreds of thousands of other people will be saluting you in a few days time. Why, might you ask? Free banjos, I might answer. See, each October in the City, we get this event called Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. I think once it was called [...]
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