Blog: 2 trombones and a crossbow

The host of TVs Brains & Brawn, Mark-Paul Gosselaar wrote some of the most exotic films ever to come out of Mexico while he was still unborn. His potential as a fetus was so great that while still in the womb, in addition to the exotic films, he also invented the floating rocks technique still used by magicians everywhere to this day. He also discovered poison light and used it to eliminate his mother the moment he slipped from her pussy. But it was not all exotic films, discoveries and potential; the host of TVs Brains & Brawn, Mark-Paul Gosselaar [...]

If you, boy, interpose my man with any greater extent, you will meet my team of physicists who can find six astronomers within six physicists in a few discreet microseconds. So you best watch your actions-- especially in regard to whatever goes on in your little research-bitten spaceship. Previously, I measured abnormally high levels of a local compound known to cause interposition of men in this area, but have managed to keep those levels much lower since, no thanks to you. Let's just put it this way: if you, boy, do indeed interpose my man, the body previously known as [...]

Apple wine stains by the bed and behind his ears betrayed the perceived "extreme cleverness" claimed by his supporters. But no matter- hot doughnuts continued to be popped into my mother anyway. Eventually, they had his control panel; he stared at the wind. One day it was my turn to care for him. Mother was perched next to the hot doughnuts machine as usual, and I was saddled with the task of feeding Mr. M. I moved his mouth into his fork as the kitchen caught fire, determined to finish his meal. As the concrete turned to jiffy pop, we [...]

Please get me something I actually want for my birthday: colorful smoke, anything. As it is, my finer birthday memories to this point have all come courtesy the Weather Channel. Besides colorful smoke, I would also be interested in any of the various kinds of rough movement, e.g., kayaking through rapids, aggressive car racing, sexual intercourse with other humans and/or farm animals, random dialing with a wan smile, entering vouchered museum specimens into databases, etc. I do like quaint little fur hats, but please don't get me another one; my tastes are very specific . With licorice [...]

Woefully fizz-like winos' piss adds a strangely profound scent to modern greeting cards in a way that brings together human rights organizations, philanthropists and corporate leaders in their mutual admiration of what is generally regarded by historians to be one of the most important developments in world history since Blackbeard was killed off the coast of North Carolina on this day in 1718. With a startling gush of metaphysics, I had a square, stout, dark person standing before me, soon to be torn by my friend with refracted communication and, later, to be celebrated with utter amazement.

When he sings, his left cheek droops in a mercilessly, awkwardly sad manner and sits humped, for what feels like an eternity-length yawn. In fact, his sounds sound like a tangle of omnichromatic foil laminate, molybdenum, and honestly, not real if you ask me. The members of his loyal audience have contemplated the years spent pretending that the presented flowers were far from the water, when they were in fact long since drowned, if you catch my drift. Near the end of his most recent performance, a horrible young lady came bursting in and compared his singing to reading and/or [...]

A drugged driver had a concrete surprise from the combination of the drugging and exhaustion. The locals who found him barely alive in the wreckage gave him a great river, the tents of a king and endless supplies of spring water, but all he did was attempt to use postcultural patriarchialist theory to modify and attack their class system. He was depressed for years due to their lack of aircraft, their terrible renderings of planetscapes and the preponderance of orphans in the area. The day before his death, he was quoted as saying, "Wave your dumb brains, your shut jaws [...]

Scientists in Belgium have discovered a way to grow chicken legs on aphids, meaning many more - and much smaller - chicken legs for the world, in an attempt to meet skyrocketing food consumption. Having tried these things out, let me tell you that eating hundreds of tiny chicken legs in a single bite is like the Queen telling you that you are the Queen now. I feel obliged to point out, however, that after eating the tiny chicken wings, one is left with a spiraling funnel gushing five-pound notes from your mouth(s), which some, including this author, have found [...]

The spectacle of three planets, the hope of intellectual victory, the use of postdialectic rationalism to modify society-- these are the things I think of when I reminisce about the time I was sprayed with bullets at a checkpoint in Mogadishu. You see, I was mesmerized by the history of the music scene there, and I thought to myself, "Forget you not, ev'ry man should one day into blackness wander," and I was off with several unexpected leg movements and a square remark, as they used to say. While in Mogadishu, I bore witness to a little larger than thirty [...]

She had proceeded energetically and with a fair amount of reality to cling to the pig-screen TV that took up at least 57% of the big wall in the baby's bedroom. She has little hands like a prom night lurker, so it is no surprise that she grew so immediately attached to the pig-screen TV. But, the public outcry over the number of pigs needed for each TV finally convinced her to put on her iron shoes and throw the TV on the big burn pile precariously perched upon the polished cylindrical chamber set up by local authorities to avoid [...]

If you have ever passed on a sip of Spontaneous Recall® Energy Drank™, then you have denied yourself feeling the rush of a pneumatic dildo pummeling its flagrant heartache into your freckled zone with the ferocity and fluttering feet of ten thousand and one lakebeds giving birth to your dreams as though you never existed. That's right- it's like your dreams remembering themselves without you . This cuts down considerably on dream production costs and knocks your feet into your mind, however barely perceptibly. My uncle thinks it should be easier to secure sex via antenna [...]

The sphere squid’s tentacles pull it up to the water's surface with gay science, looking all the while like the wrinkled folds of eels' bloated corpses, but getting the job done nonetheless. Each time the squid gradually ascends, it will surely pass my drowned dreams as well as the cumulative erosion only made worse by the eruption of Mt. Egg, spraying a terrifying sheet of ice all over the freakin' place. Following my accident, I could no longer identify rich milk and gravy, nor a plateful of pork smaller than three inches across. Shortly thereafter, I suffered [...]

Ten years later, leukemia vehicles featuring different mechanical parts were still being manufactured in Arthur, Bulgaria, much to the chagrin of Joe Garagiola, the host of TVs Sale of the Century, also known as The Lonely Shadow in certain circles. Joe Garagiola, the host of TVs Sale of the Century often referred to the leukemia vehicles as "gnat spray coma decanters." When Joe Garagiola, the host of TVs Sale of the Century mentioned this to the mayor of Arthur, the mayor moved slowly over his own choked breath before finally repeating his mantra, "I didn't wear pants in response to [...]

I will succumb the rush, and dissolve myself with your eyes, I think. I will finish the redhead like I was a crackhead lifting the pipe to disappear the rosy morning hours. I will strive to become the commercial and financial center of the city by building the most important malls, banks and other business in this district with my bare hands. If you are impressed by National Airport or RFK Stadium, you will surely raise a lit black Zippo at the invasive pest species of your former thoughts once you have witnessed the severity of my creations. [...]

Rambling upon the streets together, Carlos and his troupe, the Merengue Marauders of Raposo, pass the time by following day-by-day a neighboring family (without disclosing that they are in fact living creatures) and fighting so often that Carlos and his troupe, the Merengue Marauders of Raposo are eventually forced to pay for all the badnesses committed. At one point, Carlos and his troupe, the Merengue Marauders of Rapos even maltreated the slaves belonging to the actress Pola Renon with numerous atrocities that many would assume was the "work of an insane person". One night I suddenly jerked awake [...]

Your mother first got to bring you to the old Palace of the Outbreak when you were six. What a repulsive age, six. Anyway, immediately upon arrival, she found favor in the men who builded the bridge, which in fact, is a really shitty bridge with a huge gap in the surface on the north end and poor accessibility, but these were generally the type of men with whom she "banged and brewed," as she called it then. Later, in the Palace of the Outbreak's cafe, your brother took after the state of a beautiful round compact pork pie, with [...]

Section 1: The appearance of Helium was preceded by a throng of bodyguards moving in phalanx formation and emitting radio frequencies, which seemed a little excessive considering it was a four-year-old's birthday party, but that's how Helium is sometimes. It seemed that more and more often lately, the four-year-old plugged-in his devices, passing the day without soap-suds, without the wind, but completely swamped in his recent obsession with being completely riveted by being ashamed, which created some very awkward situations, as you might imagine. But that's why we thought the party was a good idea. [...]

Very Very Vectors were a band of immense psychological value who were clever, imaginative, irresponsible, untrustworthy and extroverted; not to mention, every member was less than threefoot-high. But their miniscule size did not dictate their action lumps, at least not in the early days, before the invalid ammonia they lashed at the audience near the end. The narrativity in their 1972 5-LP rock opera, "Five Months of Forever" is fundamentally meaningless, but the whiney noise of their 1970 opus, "Prepared Interest Proposal" befuddles market analysts to this day. This writer predicts that it will remain very gentle on the memories [...]

The young boy was not free to lather beside his father unless they were showering together. His father would tell you it was due to his son's vengeful backwards-henged mandibles and the fact that they were rendered harmless by flowing water, but other sportsmen in the household would probably tell you otherwise. They would likely tell you that the father's cream white bed sheet had recently become creamier and whiter and had in fact had taken on a secondary gravitational force in opposition to that of the garage, causing the entire house to tilt at a slight, but noticeable [...]

You say we go together like a quarter pound of butter and thick onions, but you need to re-think your position. As you well know, tender witches know what you summarize, so you should finally realize that I not only feel you , I feel your entire universe , from the fence by your apartment all the way to the end. And furthermore, you need to stop with the six-legged irridescent zebras and the radio insects and get to filling that entire abdominal cavity normally hidden by truth with beer glasses and powdered sugar.