Blog: 2 trombones and a crossbow

We took the 25,000 year-old codpiece made from human flesh and filled it with scraps collected in the sieve. My sister burst in the room and shouted, "you can shove your anal sex up your butt!" We ignored her and kept working. She left, but came back a few minutes later and shouted, "swords!" Again, we ignored her. "Swords!" she repeated. We just let it go because we knew it was really all just misplaced emotions related to the family tombstone discussion.

Last week I got this rash on my hand it was very itchy, then later that night my thumb got sore. Day later: both my knees and my feet were in pain. this went on for the rest of the day. Next Day: my right arm hurts but the pain in my feet and knees are gone and so is the rash. After that day: No pain at all. Day after: Pain in both my right and left arms. Next day: Pain in both my right and left arms and slight pain in ancle. Now I [...]

l smoothed my words as he wiped the vagabond's clothes over the stain. I am far from the stiffest character, but under these circumstances, I may as well have been made out of something very stiff indeed, so stiff was I. "Look," I said, "you're never going to find a hiding place for that-- it's too goddamn big and sticky." But he just ignored me and continued wiping. He wiped for a length of time that seemed like it was incredibly long, so long felt it. At one point, we heard someone shout from [...]

The host of TVs It's Your Chance of a Lifetime, Gordon Elliott's new band, Largest Marsupial Carnivores (or LMC) will be playing the 3-day goth festival in Belgium later this year. Apparently, the host of TVs It's Your Chance of a Lifetime, Gordon Elliott has never actually heard LMC's music because he records his parts isolated from the other band members, and refuses to use headphones or otherwise listen to them play. He says the bass parts just "come to him." Many fellow bass players such as that dumbass in KoЯn think his bass parts are "wicked." [...]

When the forehead finally hardens, the dissuading arguments you just heard from the seedsman should come in handy. By the way, the seedsman also wrote an opera that was generally considered to suffer from an extremely weak libretto. But that was a long time ago and no one talks about it anymore. Most of the time lately, they're talking about the softened foreheads and that one girl who had a cameo role in the independent film Goddammin'... What was her name...? Anyway, that's a funny story-- I was at her house one time for a [...]

The butler checked me afresh and, strangely, brought his own weather-cock to the event. No one had the heart for the first several hours to tell him that weather-cocks don't work inside. Finally, when everyone in the room was either done or nearly done filling up on mayonnaise sauce, someone slipped him a note, letting him know. Like the gold flakes on the the worst example of black armor you have ever seen, tears soon began to flow from his ill-begotten eyes. Shortly thereafter, the tears were coming across the room at high speeds [...]

Words similar to these have been written in this space and many other spaces before. In fact, these very words are all previously used, moortunast of the appropriate usage or spelling. And that's the problem with [children -ed.] today, dammit! Well, anyway, your boiled prosthetics should be sterilized by now-- thanks for waiting.

I started the meal with my favorite entrée, butter on a runaway convict with mint, kale and fresh ground white pepper. My dinner guest complained that when I eat that dish, it is more like I plunge into a quick delight than savor life's pungent secrets. Of course, when she says this, it feels as though I got only two whiskers, and they're both knock-jacked, so harmed is my pride. It was around the fourth course that I was mentally casting off unceremoniously in the bread basket. By the fifth and sixth courses, I was so [...]

He stated to the crowd that he wouldn't starve until the hedges were completely bare, which was met with uproarious applause and rapturous "woo!"-ing. He continued by stating that his words would be reproachfully delivered until his voice rasped. This too was met with wild applause from the crowd. In the next passage of the speech, he delved into his childhood, and said that all things considered, the beautifully hand carved Chinese hardwood desk he had in his childhood bedroom had greatly shaped his life, more so than even his family or the grueling 37 month rape [...]

When I got back to my seat, there was the strangest lady sitting in her last reek of existence. A few seconds later, *poof* she farted and disappeared into thin air. All jew girls like a tiny lattice of time to wear around their necks, or just show off to their girlfriends. In fact, more than 58% of all jew girls say that is more important to them than the bridal dress they will eventually wad up and throw in the corner. I read about one motherfucker who was pregnant with a scrape of greasy [...]

He was utterly flawless and when he opened his previously unopened shirt, he revealed a bud of soft warm liquid threatening to ooze. 60% of the area trains would screech to a halt every 13 days, 14 hours when the liquid would flow for a few fleeting minutes. The official collector, the host of TVs The All-New Dating Game, Elaine Joyce was joined by a notary public,Tori Spelling and a judge as she collected the fluid, later to be bottled and shipped under the brand name Micromanagementor™ to schools and institutions including the Train Conductors' Guild and Church® [...]

In recognition of the 31st anniversary of the release of Kenny Loggins' "Whenever I Call You Friend", 2T&AC proudly presents the following list of business terms to share with colleagues, friends and families alike, effective immediately: 1. "Help me understand" 2. "Low-hanging fruit" 3. "Learnings" 4. "Cascading information" 5. "Action items"

We knew that someone had to be lying when 4 out of 5 of us had straight-flushes and the other had the seventeen of hemp. One of the common scholars present at the time was hammering his sister with his left hand as he played cards with his right. I wished a jawbreaker in his heart, but I guess it didn't happen since he remained alive and continued hammering her. Just as I couldn't take the vicious hammering anymore, I remembered that I had tickets for the first game of the Autumn Internationals at the Naster Cord [...]

I saw him nodding forward, with his heavy hand shoved against the boy, "as a form of justice," he would say later. But it was the dead stare behind his tingling pupils as he ate the flowers that really gave me shivers. His appetite was seemingly bottomless as he then proceeded to eat a bass, a walleye, two catfish, a bluegill, and the head of a crappie, all in a distanced, unfeeling manner. Later in the evening, he decided it was time for a spontaneous branding session and put a silver dish in the oven at 500 [...]

The host of TVs Can Do, Robert Alda thought it was about time to get his Smart Wipe™ on, and nestled one fragranced Smart Wipe™ on each side of reason. Smart Wipe™ positioning aside, the host of TVs Can Do, Robert Alda got back to brewing his homemade sawdusty fragrance out of, well, sawdust and perfume (and a little paraffin) for his latest batch of bootleg Smart Wipes™. His heart still held out for the already-mentioned freemasonry-- to his mind, there was nothing less splendid. But for now, Smart Wipes™ will wipe smartly-- indeed, ever smarter.

The next morning I was horrified to find her bridal flowers in my sore leg. The floral compound fracture made me sick to my stomach just to see it-- but then the smell! It was worse than the smell that wafts from those pits of stripper blood you find in South Carolina and Cameroon. The first time we vacationed in either of those places, I could even smell the smell with my phantom nostrils. There was a striking similarity between the stench of the stripper blood and that of the smoke coming from the windows of [...]

We decided the project had to be done with a very serious tone considering the number of lives lost while building the amphitheater. It was to be the first amphitheater of its kind, with all of the audience's seats on a rollercoaster track modeled after the Phaethon in South Korea, with a helix, then the first corkscrew followed by another corkscrew, and a 540 degree helix all leading up to the final brakes which would coincide with the main character's death. But alas, the Mastersons beat us again with their new amphitheater extravaganza which not only had the [...]

The entire staff sat around the 2T&AC offices all day today trying to pick out one single sentence to write here, and well, this is it.

We finally named our band: Indiscriminate Spraying. We specialize in ambient sledgehammer drone-a-billy. Our lead singer is post-op trans-species, emu-to-human. (most people don't even notice) Our tromboner was actually ruled dead by the county coroner - twice, years apart - and each time came back to life with a new talent-- the first time, he could make homemade soap from bologna and motor oil, and the second time he could play the trombone like Grachan Moncur III, so we had to get him in the band. Our band statement is more or less based on [...]

When my brother first started tailoring tiny suits for crickets and later for other insects, we all thought he had sat down at his trousers rather than actually putting them on, if you know what I mean. But when his 1986 "Stone Dreadful" locust collection made him a star in the insect world, we changed our tune, and I changed what I had written about the situation in my memoirs, putting a more positive spin on it. We travelled to the opening show in Garden City, Kansas, but when we arrived, I realized that [...]