Blog: Hipster RunOff

Hey! Andre Three Thousand! Or should I say HEY YA! Great song! Anyways, this is Tom with Gillette. Are you interested in expanding your brand, moving to a whole new audience who you RESONATE with? You have a beard, right? U trim it sometimes? U have a goatee sometimes too? Cool, cool. Good to know, Andrew 2000. Have I said we love your music?! SPEAKERBOXX (The Love Below)! Alright, so u wanna be in our commercial for some new razor that we have? We just want people to [...]

Oh Crysty Castles... How did yall get on the cover of NME? Oh yeah, the British h8 Americans and yall are Canadian That's chill. yall look scarie but at the same time sexie There's just something abt yall That puts me in touch with my #DarkSide Where ur really scared and afraid ur gonna die but also rlly TURNED ON Like getting effed with a gun 2 ur head then crying abt youth then having lilac hair then seeing a man with [...]

Taylor BB! Ur jumping on the #seapunk trend too? First Miley Cyrus died her hair #seapunky , and then Rihanna TOTALLY went #seapunk on SNL . Every1 is DEFANATELY goin #seapunk. I need to get in on this #trend because it is ToTaLLy #trending IRL. Taylor who is that hottie?!? I don't know who he is, but 1 thing is for sure: Yall are Never EVER EVER getting back together, just like me and my ex. Except at the same time my ex probably wouldn't take me back and I would take him [...]

Ke$ha bb! Ur s0oo0o fun and remind me of the time I popped bottles in the club then was in a gangbang. Even though the club part was fun, I regret the gangbang, but sometimes ur music reminds me of the part where every hole in my body was filled with a penis. I just LOVE slutwave music! I love Ke$ha's flawless GLAM look! Even when she takes pix covered in man's semen cum juice! Matt Lauer DAFANTELY got a hard on while he watched this performence. He even got a nice lil glimpse [...]

OMG! WHO IS THAT SEXI 20 YEAR OLD? Wait, that is JUDGE FREAGGIN JUDY! You have been found GUILTY in the court of UR A SEXI BITCH, bb! I had never seen her without her ROBE on, judging convicts, criminals, robbers, rapists, and lunatics in the court room. She is looking SEXI in her BANGIN BIKINI BOD. I actually went on a judge TV show with my ex. He stole all of my belongings, blackmailed me (that is not a racist comment, it is a word), and even stole my [...]

I am not sure why 'seasonal pumpkin spice flavors' exist. If they were actually 'good enough' to be a real flavor, it would exist as an option every day of the year. Just about every lamestreamer 'loves' pumpkin pie, and begins craving it in October and November. It has been witheld from their diabetes-wave palates that believe anything 'sweet' will enhance their lives. This is a short term pleasure that has led to an obesity epidemic in the United States, and will only lead to more sadness [via complications of being overweight due to a series [...]

Swim Swim Swim 3d CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION Orbs 3D VIBES vintage technologie # seapunk CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION CULTURAL ECHOLOCATION Dolphin vibers Vibin Under the sea I am #free [...]

I'll admit it, I'm part of the Broken Indie Machine that created Best Coast . Somehow, the indie musicsphere created these 'alt celebrities' who aren't talented, interesting or cutting edge. Instead, they just do shit for press and no one even relates to their art or message. Best Coast is the face of this one dimensional (yet lucrative) charade. The title of the song is "Do You Love Me Like You Used To?" The answer from any authentic fan of music is, "No, Bethany. We do not love u like we used [...]

Grimes is the 'alt looking it-girl of the year', which means that she is paid appearance fees to go to places, they take a picture of her, she gets free shit, and blogs are forced to 'write about a celeb being at [branded] event.' I miss the days when she was some sort of crusty creature. However, it seems as if she has turned on the CREATURES of the forest/jungle/woods, because now she is wearing fur. If I had to guess, I would say that this is a rare breed of buffalo, or some exotic lion that [...]

#SEAPUNK has been under attack since the mnstrm/lamestream has stolen # seapunk imagery in the Rihanna SNL performance of 2k12 . No longer will we be able to appreciate # seapunk images like 'orbs', 3d dolphins, 3d seahorses, 3d palm trees, and any sort of other visual rendering that reminds us of failed virtual reality technology of yesteryear. Fortunately, the SeaPunk News Network has released an official statement on the Rihanna Seapunk controversy. I'm actually not sure wtf they are talking about. Maybe it is about Rihanna, Azzy Banks, or something [...]

#Seapunk is a genre that doesn't really have any music, it is just an 'aesthetic' that involves 1990s electronic vibes, Second Life and virtual reality graphics, and failed Microsoft Windows aesthetics. The 'movement' never really had a following, but it was just kinda funny that a musical genre existed only in the context of a Tumblr /Twitter hashtag. This 'visual aesthetic' may or may not be popular on the internet, which means it is 'kewl', which means that mnstrm 'artists' will exploit it and 'bastardize' 'what once was pure.' # seapunk is probably dead [...]

Brooke Candy is the hottest new slutwaver in the game. She recently release an AMAZING slutwave rap video to follow up on her SLUTWAVE addition to that one Grimes video where Grimes drives around her slut friends in their dad's Escalade. Anyways, there was recently a Grimes show, that was probably pretty boring bc she just 'presses play', pretends to play twist knobs, and sings in her sillie voice. Thank God Brooke Candi interrupt that shit so we could at least look at some curves. What a [...]

Miley Cyrus has TOTALLY gone dubstep! This is just what I needed because I'm hearing SO much dubstep at the club. I absolutely LOVE new trends, and I am a very OPEN person who likes NEW TYPES of musica! (musica = Spanish for music) I love this Bogore song! His name sounds like BOOGER, which is emberrissing because I usually have boogers STREAMING out of my nose. But on the other hand, it means that my body is HEALTHY and WORKING. That's what I tell myself after I take a HUGE bowel movement. I say, "Hey girl, u [...]

This article was written by Grandpappy McWillersby, contributor to Huffington Post Old Foagies, Slate.com, Buzzfeed.com/SeniorCitizen and HIPSTER RUNOFF . Hello my fellow Americans, My name is Bill Willersby, and I am a citizen of the United States of America. I have seen a lot of changes in my day. When I was a young man, we used to call women who showed off a little bit of calf 'floozies.' Now, I turn on the TV and see more than I bargained for during the 5 am local newscast. [...]

The xx are known for having a buzzworthy first album and a snoozeworthy second album, so much so that they are known as 'the zz' by many authentic alts who are 'over them.' But as with 'mainstream indie bands', it doesn't matter if their music is good, people still go to their concerts out of boredom and a desire to be relevant. One fan got more than he bargained for when he went to an xx show. Soon, he realized that he was being eyeball fucked. Oliver Sim gazing into the [...]

Why should I vote? Voting is an important experience 2 connect with the lamestream masses. U walk into some booth and believe that u 'make a difference', when u actually don't make a difference. Ppl spend so much time talking abt politics as if it is 'their whole identity', then voting is just like taking a dump. You're never going to remember what it looks like in the toilet after you flush it away. How do u vote? You go to a place and they had iPads there and u [...]

Every1 knows that everything that Microsoft does is lame, uncool, and lamestream. Windows Phones, Windows Computers, Windows browsers, Bings, Zunes, etc, etc. It's all a big pile of crap for the poors who can't afford 'cool ass' iPhone5s and Samsung Galaxy S-III's. Who better to cobrand with than Best Coast , one of the biggest 'sham bands' in all of the Genre Formerly Known as Indie who is basically less of a 'band'/'artist' now, and more of a blatant money grab. That's fine, though, because I guess it is the real point of a [...]

We once thought that Avril Lavigne and 'the guy from Sum 41' was the altest couple in the world. Then they got divorced, and Avril Lavigne got married to thet Nickelback bro "Chad Kroeger." Probably because he has way more money and wanted to slam that tight lil Hot Topic Avril bod. Then every1 forgot Sum41 existed, but Nickelback will exist forever because their shitty music truly transcends society, and is listened 2 by more than just Alt Teens who shop at Zumies. Anyways, I didn't even bother googling 'the guy from Sum 41's name' because [...]

Steve Nash. WTF bro? Ur dressed as a typical NBA blipster? Must be some sort of Halloween costume Ur a 40 year old white dude not a swag ass 20something post-urban NBA player trying 2 have Kanye-ass rapper swag This has to be some sort of joke. Halloween or something? Dude. Where the eff r ur dumb glasses? Woulda been a better costume if u really dedicated urself to it Did some goddamn research. Cmon Steve Nash Trying to look [...]

Miley BB! I am loving ur new hair! I tried to tell my hairdresser at Super Cuts to give me the EXACT SAME haircut, but instead I ended up giving me an ugly boys wedge haircut! Odd Future is ToTaLLy DoiN iT BiG iN Da HiPpPitYHoPGaMe! Who are those African American men? Is that Tyler the Creating? He could create on me any day of the week. I'll admit it, I have a weakness for black men. He looks a lot like my ex, except my ex robbed a pawn shop, then [...]