Blog: Clemence a quelque chose a dire

...he's been busy being alt.

In honor of finishing the Preacher series, I shall read no comic book today. Forever and always, Tulip O'Harre & Jesse Custer. Heart.

After a year of trying to set up a court hearing, Uptight Psychotic Roommate finally settled by giving my full deposit back. To be honest, I'm surprised it went that far, I mean what kind of person just refuses to give back your deposit, after you've threatened legal actions? Well, you meet all sorts of people in London. Hear hear for a positive start to the new year, a year with no negative roommates, no legal battles, and a new haircut. CLEMENCE RECOMMENDS... MICKEY NEWBURY [...]

Dear Netflix, Totally excited you guys finally made it to the UK! I signed up to your free trial as soon as I found out! Anyways, enough with the small talk...where the fuck is my Instant Queue? Why do you know nothing about my movie preferences when I've given you more than 100 suggestions through ratings? Do you really think I want to watch 'In The Bedroom' a story about a love affair between a teenager and a single mom? The answer is no Netflix, no I have no desire to watch 'In The Bedroom'. Also Netflix, when [...]

1. Kurt Vile Smoke Ring For My Halo [Matador] 2. Drake Take Care [Cash Money/ Young Money Entertainment/ Universal Republic] 3. Implodes Black Earth [Kranky] [...]

Fear not. Christmas is coming: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

"Hey, so are you enjoying the show?" "Yeah, sure." "Are you here on your own?" "Yup." "Oh, so you're really into this band, they're great right?" "No, I'm paid to be here." "What?" "Yeah, I'm what you call an alt prostitute." "..." "That guy on the drums, yeah, he paid me to fuck the singer after the show... ...yeah I figured that people in these alt events have loads of cash to spend on coke, MDMA, and drinks, so I [...]

Studying business management has taught me a lot. For example, it has taught me that telling your employee that they are: A. Not good looking, or B. Should invest in womenswear will not only not boost their productivity, but it'll probably make them less likely to endure working for less than £3000 a year. Yeah, I didn't last more than 2 months. CLEMENCE RECOMMENDS... POLVO [...]

Fuck you Bill Condon for ruining what I've anticipated the most this year.

Because although I'm prepare to suck the life out of it with a hoover, I just can't physically kill it with my own hands/shoe/pan without going complete ape shit. Then I thought of how I'd address a similar difficult situation...so I paper-bagged him. It helped me visualize 'dropping' a pan on the floor, rather than, killing a mouse on the floor with a pan. If I knew that I'd have to deal with a mouse twitching on a glue trap at 8am on a Saturday, believe you me, I wouldn't of watched Ratatouille. [...]

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After American Apparel I had sworn to never work in retail again, but after listing my entire belongings on Ebay ("Kenwood 3 Tier Food Steamer" anyone?) and having a boyfriend that lives £500+ away, I find myself in a photobooth in Kings Cross getting a CGI picture taken for my resume. I mean for realz, how cyborg do I look on that picture? I'd like to think that Transformers' grossing success contributed towards my employability. Y'all, say hi to COS' latest addition. CLEMENCE RECOMMENDS [...]

This is the last batch y'all! Click here if you like what you see, or want to contribute towards my existence. Also got some other stuff going below.

Being the creative that I am, I used the leftovers to make risotto balls. Y'all can now start inviting me to your dinner parties.

Does anyone know where I can get something similar? Unfortunately, I don't have £22,950 lying around at the moment.

I'm definitely no stranger to sex on the big screen, from Friends with Benefits, The Notebook to No Strings Attached, you can say that I've seen it all. Guys, I haven't. Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy (3-D) was a complete game changer. Avid admirers of James Cameron's Avatar, please don't be fooled by the 3-D tag...this movie is NOTHING like Avatar. A. It's a porno B. Unlike No Strings Attached or any other film for that matter, no one got their penis [...]

Because my last cooking attempt ended up looking nothing like pancakes, I've decided to step up my housewife game by doing one recipe a week. I know what you're thinking, "Yo, like, didn't you say you were going to learn how to cook 6 months ago, and like didn't, but made great smoothies instead?". Well you are absolutely right, those orgasm smoothies were darn good, but it's autumn now, and I'm almost 22, I need to make more responsible decisions, like signing up to Punchfork.com and nailing the Baked Mushroom [...]

After purchasing a £500 Alexander Wang blazer, I came to the spiritual conclusion that I should from now on, only buy designer items. This conclusion might of been bolstered by my self perception of being wealthy after selling £300 worth of shit on Ebay (of which I had to refund £200). So having an entire season of Gossip Girl on the back of my mind, I decide to go boutique shopping in NYC, specifically, Brooklyn. Being a walking enthusiast, I decide to check out a Boutique called Zoe [...]

When I was 12, I was really into Donnie Darko, Tool and being pretentious. I'm 21 now, and I'm still into Tool, so into Tool that I went to see a Tool tribute band called Schism, so into Tool that I went to see Schism in a 3 hour long boat cruise. Sure, some comedy was involved in the decision to book another flight to New York to see a tribute band, but having finished a 541 paged book on Tool in French called "Reflets et metamorphoses", left me no other options. [...]

so...I'm going ahead and selling my entire wardrobe. Click here if you like what you see, or want to contribute towards my existence. Also got some other stuff going below .